Dissociation during grief.

Dissociation is one of the multitude of symptoms during grief.

One of the scariest things I experienced after the death of my son Emile was dissociation. At the time I didn’t know what it was and I thought something was very wrong with me. I had this weird feeling that I was disconnected from myself. I was disoriented and walked into door frames, walls, and furniture. It felt like my body was an entity on its own and my mind was hanging somewhere above just following myself. This weird state of emotion caused me to have acute anxiety attacks.

I was convinced I was in the grip of insanity and hanging on by a thread. I was sure if I let go I would be lost in space and never return. One day I looked into the mirror and didn’t recognize the person looking back at me. It was not that I changed in any way, I just didn’t know the person staring back at me. There is no better way to describe this, I was not familiar with that person who looked back at me in the mirror. It felt I could talk to her and she would answer me back. I was absolutely terrified of this and knew I had to get help.

I read countless books and one of them outlined the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I recognized the signs I was experiencing, and I knew I had to get professional help. Thank goodness I found a great trauma counselor and she helped me to center myself again. The shock of seeing my son, Emile, dead under the tree was too much for me and caused my mind to rebel against that dreadful image. I thought I was losing control of myself and that I was going to land in a mental asylum. This was the most horrific feeling I ever experienced.

All types of trauma can cause this disorder and the shock can hit you so hard that you lose yourself in it at some stage. To have a traumatic experience can be so enormous that your mind refuses to accept it.

Some of the symptoms of PTSD include the following; Having a difficult time falling or staying asleep. Feeling more irritable or having outbursts of anger. If you have difficulty concentrating and/or remembering things. Feeling constantly "on guard" or like danger is lurking around every corner. Being "jumpy" or easily startled. I had all these symptoms plus the dissociation.

dissociation

/dɪˌsəʊʃɪˈeɪʃən,dɪˌsəʊsɪˈeɪʃn/

noun

"Separation of some aspects of mental functioning from conscious awareness, leading to a degree of mental dysfunction or mental conditions including dissociative identity disorder."