Gratefulness

A forgotten state of being.

My ego stopped me from feeling truly grateful for my blessings. The questions of why things didn’t work out the way I planned kept me from real acceptance. Even though many of the negative events in my life were caused by my own actions. I suffered great financial loss because I wanted to do things my way. A prime example of when the ego was fully in charge of my life.

My pride, the main culprit of the ego, wouldn’t allow me to accept help. I couldn’t admit that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. The I, always a capital, me, me, me. All my savings, sunk into an already sinking ship. The anger and disappointment of this failure kept me from feeling grateful.

Now that I don’t have the luxury to be what I envisioned, albeit delusionally, I must admit defeat. In that moment of clarity, the blessings that weren’t acknowledged stood out in stark contrast to my ego.

I drove through town a few nights ago and saw a group of people with little children waiting on the sidewalk for a meal. Heartache and shame filled me. That corny saying came to mind, “Someone else always has it worse than you”. That could have been me standing there waiting for help. Destitute and hungry. The idea of that fact made me want to cry for them, for me, for my ungratefulness.

I tried and failed, and that’s alright.

I am not living in my little house and the beach, and that’s alright.

I am not financially independent, and that’s alright.

The blessings which the Universe bestows on me every single day fill me with gratitude. My ego had to take a step back for me to realize this miracle. Life is not under my control. I can’t take credit for the blessings I receive. My ego is not in charge of my destiny. This was difficult to admit to myself.

The worst thing about this situation is that I knew I was making a mistake, but the promise of financial security overruled my instincts. Everything I promised myself would come true. Creativity flew out the window because I was living a real life. Not lost in my crazy imagination. I was making money that would lead to the house at the beach.

Those poor people with their children, on the sidewalk waiting for a meal, made me ashamed of myself. Ashamed of not acknowledging my abundant blessings. Ashamed for the lack of gratitude in my heart. I am embarrassed to say that my ego ruled me for far too long. The false security that money could bring me blinded me to the truth. I forsake my creativity to pursue wealth that never materialized.

Gratefulness to the Universe fills me with awe and humility. It brought me back to myself and the way I am supposed to live. Now I have a chance to follow my bliss and write, back to my heart and soul.

Namaste