Grief Changes You

When you lose your child, nothing stays the same.

When my son, Emile, died by suicide, I was completely broken into a million pieces. It took me years to put every piece back together. As with anything that breaks, it is never the same again. When your child dies, by any means, your life irrevocably changes in every imaginable way. When you lose your parents, you are an orphan, when your husband dies, you are a widow. But no name exists to describe a mourning parent. It is not the natural order of things.

The grief journey took me to places in my psyche I never knew existed. Most of it happens in your mind. There is no outward wound to show for this tragedy. But in your mind rages an insane fire. At times, I was sure it would consume me. There are different stages of grief, but I cycled through them continuously. You can’t predict from one moment to the next what you are going to feel. It felt like I was going insane. Denial, depression, acceptance, anger, and a myriad of other emotions would cycle on a crazy loop.

I wanted to die, I wanted to be with my beautiful son. I wanted to give him the love and support I felt he lacked. Guilt, regret, and questions drove me to the brink of utter madness. After days of searching online, I found an online support group for parents who lost a child to suicide. They helped me tremendously during those initial stages of grief. Because they intimately knew the hell I was in, they supported me with complete understanding. Nothing was forbidden or wrong to discuss, and that saved me. However, after a year, it made me feel worse because there was too much pain to witness.

The next important milestone was when I finally decided to find professional help. A friend introduced me to a psychiatrist who practiced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This saved me from my crazy thoughts. I believe most of my depression was caused by the thoughts that were slowly driving me insane. CBT taught me how to be in control of my mind. It was challenging in the beginning, but it was worth the struggle to have peace. It taught me to rein in my emotions when they became uncontrollable.

My emotions always ruled my life and the way I reacted in certain situations. The death of my son by suicide caused intense feelings of guilt and self-blame. Most of it was unfounded, but a mother feels responsible for everything her child experiences. His death was all I thought about from the moment I awoke till the time I fell asleep at night. I couldn’t function in any normal way. CBT helped me overcome the worst of my grief.

Meditation became part of my life because I couldn’t allow my emotions to rule me. I still had another child to mother, and he was being neglected. Our little family never recovered after Emile’s suicide. Many families break up after this kind of tragedy. If the bond wasn’t strong enough to begin with, it can’t survive the intense strain.

After years of mourning, I can now say that I have survived it and am living a new life with my surviving son, Marco. You never “get over” losing your child. The missing and love never change, but I learned to live without him. The pain becomes a dull throb and stays with you for the rest of your life. But it doesn’t rule my life any longer.

I can tell parents who lost a child that the pain lessens over the years, and you find your new place in life again. It doesn’t stay the hell it was at first. Life goes on, but your precious child will forever live in your heart.

Namaste