How did you react?

When tragedy came knocking on your door.

We never know how we will react when tragedy comes knocking on our door. Will we become hysterical, and dramatic, fall on the floor screaming, and tear our hair out? Or are you stoic and calm, taking charge?

The morning I saw my son Emile, lying on the grass under the tree, where he had hanged himself the previous night, I was numb, shocked, and felt like I was in a nightmare. Thank God the emergency personnel removed him from the tree before I arrived. Because I am sure I would have lost it having to see that heartbreaking sight.

Contrary to how I thought I would react, I wanted to slap him. A feeling of utter helplessness came over me. I was paralyzed by shock. I felt powerless to help him. Absolute desolation filled me. There was nothing I could do, it was too late. Far too late to fix whatever it was that drove him to his self-inflicted death.

I read about people who screamed and raged when they witnessed their loved one’s lifeless body. I felt dead. I kept on pinching my face and arms. This was not real, it couldn’t be. Not my son, lying there dead under the tree. My beautiful son would never kill himself. This was a nightmare and I would wake any moment and all would be well. He would come home later and I would be so thankful.

We drove home, and I was on autopilot. I called friends and family and relayed the news with an impassive voice. I still believed I was dreaming. People came and went, looking at me in shock. I did not react, I was still in my nightmare, waiting to wake up.

I never knew the meaning of the word keening, but that night when I woke from my shock-induced stupor, the noise erupting from my soul was wild and feral, like a hurt animal. My heart knew then, he was dead. This was not a nightmare, it was real and, my life was never going to be the same again. A steel claw reached into my chest and tore my heart from my body, leaving it shredded and raw. For years I was to live with my heart torn and bleeding. Weeping when I woke up in the morning, he was still dead. Going to sleep at night, weeping he was still dead.

I have healed from this heartbreak, not completely, but I am breathing and living.

How did you react when the worst thing that could ever happen to you did?

Namaste