Road To Nowhere

No direction at all.

I have been on a road to nowhere for a decade now and have no idea where I am going. I have moved around like a lone nomad and haven't found the place I can call home.

I discarded most of my belongings, and my life has become minimalist.

This gives me a sense of freedom to pack up and go, at a moment's notice, but my life lacks stability.

The dreams about what my life would look like now died an unnatural death. Plans that seemed so achievable went awry when I lost my son to suicide and my husband to a heart attack. None of these events were planned for, and they derailed my future.

I have tried in countless ways to make a success with the cards life dealt me. I invested my savings in a business that lasted only two years. At one stage, I thought of buying a campervan and traveling the country selling handmade artwork to survive. But this will never be feasible in a dangerous country, as a woman alone on the road.

Since my savings were depleted I became a gypsy, moving from place to place. I am by no means destitute, but options are limited. I don't have a plan, to be honest. I haven't had a plan for a while now. Plans never work out.

How does it feel, how does it feel?

To be without a home

Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone

These lyrics by Bob Dylan describe my life perfectly.

I'm a tumbling weed, rolling down the highway, at the whim of the wind. Akin to a rudderless ship, unable to control my course.

My roots were plucked from the ground, and god knows where I am heading.

To make matters even more insane, I've had a crazy recurring dream for years, which only reinforces my feelings of instability. The same dream of me driving on a highway and getting completely lost. I don't recognize anything on the road, and don't know where I am, or where I am going. It mirrors my life, no direction at all.

Namaste