Time Warp and Grief

A dream message that distorted reality.

After my son, Emile, died by suicide, I realized that time has no meaning. Several months before his death, I had a dream in which I received a text message from him that read, “Mommy, just before the big white light took me, I knew the truth”. This was a message from my dead son months before his death.

This dream gave me an uneasy feeling that something was going to happen to him, and I urged him to get his life in order. At that time, I had no idea about the tragedy that was about to happen. Suicide never once entered my mind.

This was only the start of a sequence of extraordinary events that made me question reality. That one short message spoke to me before and after his death. I analyzed every word of it in the midst of my despair, seeking answers to my torturous questions. For months after he died, it felt as if I moved in and out of a time warp.

A couple of weeks after he passed, a concerned family member told me that his soul will never rest and he will spend eternity in purgatory. The idea that my son was in darkness all alone almost drove me over the edge. Then I remembered his message. He said the white light took him. That must have meant he was with the Light, not cast into darkness.

Even though it brought me some measure of peace, I still agonized about his soul. One day, during a dark, heavy thunderstorm, I was outside crying and hoping he was safe. Suddenly, one blinding ray of sunshine broke through the black clouds. The message was clear, he was in the light.

Did he know he made a mistake? Did he realize that he had other options besides choosing to die? I think the message also addressed those burning questions. It said just before he died, he knew the truth. I believe that means at the moment of death, he knew it was the wrong choice.

Many crazy things happened after his death that made me convinced that time has no real meaning. Events that had no rational explanation. The migration of the Brown-veined White Butterfly usually occurs in the beginning of March every year. On his 21^st birthday, seven weeks after his death, a swarm of white butterflies flew through our area. A week after it happened in the rest of the country.

Death is a supernatural event that warps time and makes you question your sanity. I know with certainty that many parents who lost a child have experienced this strange phenomenon.

Namaste