When You Can't Trust Yourself

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

There was an agonizing period in my life when I didn’t trust myself. My depression ruled my life, and I had no idea what madness would arrive next.

Can you imagine not trusting in yourself to stay safe? I could wake up any day and decide to kill myself. It was totally insane to live that way.

My emotions were in complete control, and the days blended into a horrific struggle to overcome my crazy urges. I fantasized about death. It became a secret lover.

I was so enamored by it that I wrote love poems in an attempt to seduce it. My mind was consumed by it.

Something outside of me took over my life. There is no other way to describe it. I’m sure my abuse of tranquilizers at the time also played a huge role.

My insanity caused anxiety attacks that I tried to stave off with sedation. Under the influence of these drugs, I would feel drawn to suicide.

It gave me the courage to attempt it, and every failure was driving me even more demented. It was a vicious circle that left me exhausted after every insane event.

A murderer was living inside me, and I was her only potential victim. There was no escaping her. My unstable behavior made my son’s life hell, but I was so far gone that I didn’t see it.

It took one last deranged attempt to bring me back to my senses. Depression is still a constant companion, but I am in control of my emotions now.

Depression released the madness in my mind, and it almost took my life. I’m grateful the killer didn’t win, and I can now trust myself again.

Namaste