Before My Heart Was Healed

I wrote this piece, before my healing journey started, and I'm amazed at how far I've come.

Photo by Marcus Cramer on Unsplash

If only god could have given me a sword and sent me into battle, it sure would have been easier than the emotional battles I continually have to fight. I would rather be hurt or killed in combat for my life than to experience this never-ending emotional agony.

To fight for the survival of your mind and the healing of your heart is excruciating and unadulterated agony. A reprieve is all I wish for, but it is denied. No mercy will befall me in this life, it seems. I am destined to suffer mental anguish for the rest of my life, incessantly. I need great strength to overcome this. There has to be some way for me to stay sane. Every day, I feel my sanity slipping away.

Bereft I am, and psychologically tested and always found wanting. If I could pass this test, it would never cross my path again. So here I stand before god and beg for his mercy. I implore him to let this cup pass my lips, to let me taste joy, not only sorrow.

A physical war for survival may be welcome, instead of continually trying to heal the inner wounds. Scars run across my soul, akin to flagellation. But it was not self-inflicted. The Universe has seen fit to try and test me with no clemency. Stretched wide open, my heart is whipped and carved beyond endurance until I wish for death to claim me.

But not even that is allowed me, death avoids me. I call him with all my heart, and he ignores my cries. He steals away all I love but leaves me to suffer in solitude. He will not release me from this earthly body. I am sentenced to life to suffer mental punishment, and there is no relief from this castigation.

It took years of soul work for me to reach a place of healing. I am grateful to the healing energy of the Universe. I made it this far.

Namaste