Forgiveness can seem like an easy-going, pleasant thing from the outside but the mental and emotional prep work to get there in your own mind can be an extended all-consuming nightmare. To allow yourself the peace of forgiveness is no small task. Beautiful article.
I was so angry at my mother for so many years for not stopping the abuse my father inflicted upon me.
It took many years for me to forgive her inadequacies of parenting.
Realizing the Era she was raised when woman had to stay silent and her and my father's family calling her crazy, I wondered if she had been believed or supported? Was she also abused which led her to think it was somehow just what happens?
I myself was in my late 20s before I spoke up and sought therapy.
Forgiveness releases us from carrying the weight of their abuses.
Thank you for sharing a very vulnerable moment with us.
Thanks for writing this, Rea. My experience is similar except that the abuse wasn't sexual. And my mom did apologize, but it later became resoundingly clear that she didn't mean it.
So your definition of forgiveness is "taking control over my life and destiny"?
Hi Rea, I like your name because it's the last three letters of my name. 😁
Well, I'm still learning to treat people better than my parents treated me.
I wonder what the definition of forgiveness is, but I'm trying to build stronger friendships since I no longer talk to my parents. I moved to the other side of the world, which makes it a little easier psychologically. (Then again, leaving the country caused me to lose a lot of friendships, so I kinda shot myself in the foot).
But as far as overcoming it, in my childhood I focused on school and sports and art.
I freed myself from that hold, to find peace. Each of us have different views on healing and how we reach it. What works for me won't mean it will for you. Sending peace.
A truly heartbreaking but meaningful insight into the desperate act of forgiveness. It is one thing to forgive, especially if the confession comes with true contrition. But always hard to forget something deeply hurtful. Thank you for your honest sharing.
I'm so sorry that nobody protected or defended you. Especially your mother, who should have. Forgiveness is tough, but I believe it benefits us to be forgiving. Mostly, because the person in need of forgiveness, probably let go of the issue long before we did. We only harm ourselves by carrying bitterness with us. But, that being said, "Holy Hell" she should have protected you. Love, Virg.
‘It bonded me to a past I had no control over.’ I loved this line, Rea.
This is key, isn’t it. Recognising that the original suffering is something we are still breathing life into. And that our continuing to feel the hurt makes not a jot of difference to the person who did the wrong in the first place!
Liberation is what you describe here. Another prison to walk away from! 🙌❤️
I love when someone shares so truthfully something that many struggle but are too afraid to voice it out. In my honest opinion I believe there is a lot of bypassing when people convince themselves they have forgiven when the pain of self-betrayal is buried deep down. I think the only way to liberate is when we first allow ourselves to feel all the anger and rage from unfairness and whatever is there. Only when we are fully heard and seen and we know that it has nothing to do with us, we can let go the pain that is there when we resist the reality, thinking the other should be different. This was so wonderful and brave 💜
I have had to learn the hard way that there are two things about forgiveness. First that forgiveness is a choice that requires action. Secondly that forgiveness can have consequences . It can be down right hard work to choose to accept what has happened and give forgiveness to another. It is nice to think that forgiveness means wiping the slate clean. But in reality for me I will wipe the slate clean if there is no repeat of the same behaviour or action.
All actions are choices, forgiveness and the bad choices that need forgiveness
This makes my heart ache. Forgiveness is freeing, but my gosh, the path to get there is a rough one. I’m very glad you are there. I have my own forgiveness projects. Two steps forward, one step back, etc. But as you said in this poignant post, you get to a place of pity for the other person. Which I feel (for myself) is closer to forgiveness than not. Hugs to you, Rea.
When I read something like this it opens up a wound that I have only bandaged. I have forgiven - or haven't I. The memories are still there but not raw. But I still see my uncle hovering over me asking me to do such atrocious things! I still ask myself if my mother and father knew! I have though just let it be. I am the person I am today because I have worked through the cycles of unforgiveness. Thank you for sharing this post. And I am glad that you have allowed yourself the dignity of forgiveness. Namaste. 💖
I'm glad you mentioned cycles of forgiveness. I would feel fine and all of a sudden it would rise up again. I had to do a lot of self-talk to free myself from it.
I'm deeply sorry you went through the same thing, Brenda. I know the hell it creates in our minds.
I hope you know that you are a beautiful woman and that little girl didn't deserve what happened to her. It breaks my heart. Sending peace and love my friend. 🤍🤍🤍
Forgiveness can seem like an easy-going, pleasant thing from the outside but the mental and emotional prep work to get there in your own mind can be an extended all-consuming nightmare. To allow yourself the peace of forgiveness is no small task. Beautiful article.
You are right, it takes a lot of work. Thank you. 🙏
It's the deepest work there is I think, Rea. Thank you for writing so beautifully about it.
It truly is the deepest work. Thank you, Stephanie. ❤️
I’m sorry for the pain you went through, Rea.
Thank you, my friend. ❤️
Rea, I relate to your pain in so many ways.
I was so angry at my mother for so many years for not stopping the abuse my father inflicted upon me.
It took many years for me to forgive her inadequacies of parenting.
Realizing the Era she was raised when woman had to stay silent and her and my father's family calling her crazy, I wondered if she had been believed or supported? Was she also abused which led her to think it was somehow just what happens?
I myself was in my late 20s before I spoke up and sought therapy.
Forgiveness releases us from carrying the weight of their abuses.
Thank you for sharing a very vulnerable moment with us.
It also raised many questions about generational abuse, but she denied that. I understand, Debra. 💞
Thanks for writing this, Rea. My experience is similar except that the abuse wasn't sexual. And my mom did apologize, but it later became resoundingly clear that she didn't mean it.
So your definition of forgiveness is "taking control over my life and destiny"?
I'm sorry you experienced a hurtful childhood. How did you overcome it?
Hi Rea, I like your name because it's the last three letters of my name. 😁
Well, I'm still learning to treat people better than my parents treated me.
I wonder what the definition of forgiveness is, but I'm trying to build stronger friendships since I no longer talk to my parents. I moved to the other side of the world, which makes it a little easier psychologically. (Then again, leaving the country caused me to lose a lot of friendships, so I kinda shot myself in the foot).
But as far as overcoming it, in my childhood I focused on school and sports and art.
It's difficult to work through childhood trauma and become a level headed adult. It leaves lasting scars. I hope you found peace, Moorea.
I love your name! 😊
So true.
Thanks, Rea.
I freed myself from that hold, to find peace. Each of us have different views on healing and how we reach it. What works for me won't mean it will for you. Sending peace.
Of course.
I was just trying to clarify your definition of forgiveness, since that was the theme of the essay.
I understand, Moorea. Thank you.
A truly heartbreaking but meaningful insight into the desperate act of forgiveness. It is one thing to forgive, especially if the confession comes with true contrition. But always hard to forget something deeply hurtful. Thank you for your honest sharing.
Thank you for your compassion, Tina. I know you understand forgiveness.
I'm so sorry that nobody protected or defended you. Especially your mother, who should have. Forgiveness is tough, but I believe it benefits us to be forgiving. Mostly, because the person in need of forgiveness, probably let go of the issue long before we did. We only harm ourselves by carrying bitterness with us. But, that being said, "Holy Hell" she should have protected you. Love, Virg.
You are right, Virg. I forgave her this past December. It freed me from the bonds. Thank you. ❤️❤️
I have so much I want to say here. But shame and fear dwell close to my thoughts. For now, all I can say is. You/we should have been protected.
🦋
I felt shame too, but they are the ones who should be ashamed for what was done to us. Hugs ❤️
‘It bonded me to a past I had no control over.’ I loved this line, Rea.
This is key, isn’t it. Recognising that the original suffering is something we are still breathing life into. And that our continuing to feel the hurt makes not a jot of difference to the person who did the wrong in the first place!
Liberation is what you describe here. Another prison to walk away from! 🙌❤️
We give it power over us, and it never ends. It was better to simply walk away from it. Thank you for your understanding, Esther! <3 <3
Rea, your words are always layered in wisdom and peace; this is such an important and wise piece. ty.
Thank you for your comment, Chris.
I love when someone shares so truthfully something that many struggle but are too afraid to voice it out. In my honest opinion I believe there is a lot of bypassing when people convince themselves they have forgiven when the pain of self-betrayal is buried deep down. I think the only way to liberate is when we first allow ourselves to feel all the anger and rage from unfairness and whatever is there. Only when we are fully heard and seen and we know that it has nothing to do with us, we can let go the pain that is there when we resist the reality, thinking the other should be different. This was so wonderful and brave 💜
Yes! We need to feel it and vent it, till it's burned to ashes!
Thank you, Octarine.
I have had to learn the hard way that there are two things about forgiveness. First that forgiveness is a choice that requires action. Secondly that forgiveness can have consequences . It can be down right hard work to choose to accept what has happened and give forgiveness to another. It is nice to think that forgiveness means wiping the slate clean. But in reality for me I will wipe the slate clean if there is no repeat of the same behaviour or action.
All actions are choices, forgiveness and the bad choices that need forgiveness
I understand what you mean, Adrian. We can't keep forgiving if they keep doing the same thing. It has to end somewhere.
Thank you.
This makes my heart ache. Forgiveness is freeing, but my gosh, the path to get there is a rough one. I’m very glad you are there. I have my own forgiveness projects. Two steps forward, one step back, etc. But as you said in this poignant post, you get to a place of pity for the other person. Which I feel (for myself) is closer to forgiveness than not. Hugs to you, Rea.
I agree, Lisa. It's a rough road. May you find the forgiveness to give. So that you can be free of it. Sending peace.
Heart breaking… your power to forgive is extraordinary. 🙏
I had to, Mark. It stood between me and peace. Thank you. 🙏
Well done, 🙏
When I read something like this it opens up a wound that I have only bandaged. I have forgiven - or haven't I. The memories are still there but not raw. But I still see my uncle hovering over me asking me to do such atrocious things! I still ask myself if my mother and father knew! I have though just let it be. I am the person I am today because I have worked through the cycles of unforgiveness. Thank you for sharing this post. And I am glad that you have allowed yourself the dignity of forgiveness. Namaste. 💖
I'm glad you mentioned cycles of forgiveness. I would feel fine and all of a sudden it would rise up again. I had to do a lot of self-talk to free myself from it.
I'm deeply sorry you went through the same thing, Brenda. I know the hell it creates in our minds.
I hope you know that you are a beautiful woman and that little girl didn't deserve what happened to her. It breaks my heart. Sending peace and love my friend. 🤍🤍🤍
Thank you. That means so much. ❤️ We certainly didn’t deserve that.
Thanks for writing about this most horrific experience. I wish you peace.
I finally have peace. Thank you for your compassion, Nancy.