Guilt

Guilt will devour your heart and leave you gasping for air.

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”

- Coco Chanel

The day my beautiful son Emile, died by suicide, I caught a glimpse of him through my bedroom window, sitting on the steps by the pool. His head was hanging down with his hands loose between his knees. He looked so forlorn. I was busy with tasks and the thought to check on him never entered my mind. The next day we were called to the park near our home, where my son was lying dead on the grass under the weeping willow tree. Writing these words still has the power to reduce me to a weeping mess.

Guilt became my constant hateful companion. Why did I not walk out the door, hug him, and ask what was wrong? We were not only mother and son but best friends. I was not there for my son when he needed me the most, while he was planning to take his own life. Was I so self-centered and caught up in my silly little life, I did not notice?

The guilt was so all-encompassing it shut out everything else. I did not deserve forgiveness. The feeling of helplessness and self-hatred consumed me. What type of mother doesn’t save her child? I can still see him sitting there, the last time I laid eyes on my beautiful tortured son. If only I can have that moment over again. I would rush out the door and fold him into my arms.

It still makes me ill thinking about it. He would have told me all his troubles, and we would have sorted it out, and he would be here with me, instead of the box of ashes I am left with. My fault!! My horrible awful fault! The what if’s, why’s, could have, should have… All words that lead straight to insanity.

I tried to follow him a few times. I just wanted to hug him and tell him how deeply sorry I was, that I wasn’t there! I longed for death, because that was the only thing I deserved. Death would have taken me straight to him. He would have known then the depth of my love.

Guilt is a useless emotion, it changes nothing about the situation, but we keep hitting our heads against the wall, hoping for a different outcome.

It took me many years to let go of the guilt. It was a secret lover hidden away in the recesses of my heart, devouring me. However, if I wanted to live and make him proud of me, that was what I had to do. I let go of it with a white dove, flying away into the wide expanse. My beautiful Emile knows my heart, and he is with me always.

Namaste

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