Love?

Perhaps, not.

I am terrified of love. There, I said it! I don’t want to put myself in a situation where my heart will be broken. It happened to me twice, and that was two times too many. I would much rather jump out of a plane with a parachute or rappel down a mountain than fall in love.

The words of Kahlil Gibran come to mind; Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. Those wounds I still carry, and it warns me that love is fickle. It can’t be trusted.

But if in your heart you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. I have laughed with happiness and abandon, but it turned into weeping, all my tears. I chose to become hard to love and all it brings with it.

I know I am not living a full life because of my fears. I don’t trust my judgment when it comes to men. My track record speaks for itself. The wrong men always find their way to me. Like I am a magnet to every broken and disturbed man.

So now, I turn my face away from love, and my heart is closed and walls are up, because it is much safer this way.

“To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully,” Kahlil says.

God, it sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? To know the pain of too much tenderness. But then I remember that it doesn’t last very long. To be wounded by your understanding of love. I bled, but not willingly and joyfully. My bleeding was messy and crazy. When my heart broke, it left destruction in its wake. It drove me crazy, because I gave my heart to those who didn’t know how to treat it. I don’t do things in half measures, I go all in. That was one of my fatal mistakes. But I don’t know how to love carefully and quietly.

Now I am questioning my choice not to love. What if my soulmate is out there in the world somewhere, and I am too scared to give it a chance? What if the right man who will understand me and accept me with my craziness is waiting for me? So many questions with no answers. While I’m hiding away in my little space with only my dreams, he could be searching for me. Nevertheless, time will tell, it always does.

Namaste