Vengeance
With calculated deliberate words used as weapons to destroy.
Words have magical powers and can be used to build someone up or break them down.
My husband was a weak man, and at times when I was at my emotional lowest he would seek other women to fill his sexual needs. Missing in action while I struggled to survive my devastating anguish. After my short psychotic stint when my father died, I could forgive him. I was after all not present in the marriage.
However, when my son died by suicide, and he found someone else to soothe his ego, it was the last fucking straw. This happened more than only twice, just for clarity.
I didn’t become hysterical and dramatic like the first time. No, I became calm and deliberate. Now, before you ask me why I didn’t leave him, he threatened me with my misdiagnosed insanity when I was incarcerated with the mentally insane (I wrote a post about this). No court would allow a mentally unstable person to take the children if I tried to leave him. I was never going to leave them with him.
So I used words to destroy him. I wrote this poem after he died of a massive heart attack. I may have driven him to an early death, but there is no way of knowing for sure.
I loved you
Absolutely and completely
You owned all of me
I gave myself to you
My deepest love
Adoration
My vulnerable trust
I belonged to you
My heart my soul my body
Only yours
You were all I thought about
Night and day
Under the full moon
You possessed me
In the bright rays of the sun
I followed you
But that was not enough for you
It was trampled over
Without a second thought
Vengeance became
My sole purpose
Punishment
My only wish
To destroy you
Murder your soul
Break you slowly
Till there was nothing left
Of the man I worshipped
I came to despise
The mere thought you
I needed to see you
Hurt more than
You ever imagined
Every word
Every action
Became calculated
Heartless
Merciless
Evil
You could never
Survive it
And for that...
I am not sorry.
Because
You turned my heart
To cold stone
Rea, I grew up with a mother who used the word "weak" as code. Of course as a child, I could not have understood what it meant exactly. But now I do. My uncle wasn't very successful, and he moved my aunt (a heartbreak for my her and my mom, who were inseparable) and his family across the family for a job. He then cheated on my aunt. My mother always said going forward, "Well, your uncle was a weak guy."
Another father we knew cheated on his wife too. All my mother would do is shake her head tersely and say, "What a weak man."
My ex was weak too. It's been a long time, but yes, weak in so many ways. Thank you for this piece. I've healed and learned to trust my instincts now, drawn to people with strong characters. I think this is a beautiful and poignant piece that I'm guessing many women can relate to.
It must have been unbearable. So grateful you’ve made it to the other side and able to share the experience. We always think we suffer alone, but there are so many suffering right along beside us, in silence. Sending hugs 🤗 🙏🏻